I need to remember

That the pain I'm feeling will go away, that it's not the end of the world and I'm going to get back on my feet. I need to remember that I'm strong and courageous because at the moment, I only remember how fucking hurt I'm feeling.

I'm strong, I'm courageous and it's OK for me to express my sadness and my pain, it doesn't make me a weak person. Maybe if I say it enough, I'll believe it?

God, please take me out of this hole, I need to get back on my feet and stop feeling the pain and despairs of these far away memories. Just please give me the strenght to remember that this too shall pass.

:(

meh

If I'm posting here again it's because I saw "him" and when I see him too much or too often I get into this state of feeling "meh" and I've been having memories and they suck. I've been taking anxiety meds but I wish I could just be numb so I wouldn't feel this pain. It hurts so fucking much.

Whatever, this is all my fault anyway, if I wasn't attending functions where he is, I wouldn't feel like this, I just want to curl up in a ball and forget about everything. I hate the fucking memories of this fucking asshole. Oh my gosh, I hate them. He's just so happy to have his daughter back, he's all about acting like nothing ever happened. FUCKING LOSER!

I'm sick to my stomach, I want to cry but can't, I don't want to go through this forever. This fucking sucks.

Sorry for this pity party, I needed to let it out. :(

Am I strong or am I not?

After spending some time with a new friend and talking about the past I've been wondering if I'm as strong as she sees me or if I'm just not. Is it possible that I feel weaker than I actually am? Am I strong for surviving and being happy and wanting to live a happy life? Am I still strong if It terrifies me to have sex? Am I still strong if sometimes I have flashbacks? If I feel terrible when I see my father? I've been feeling stronger than I thought I was. My friend's been showing me indirectly that I have grown soo much.

I wish I was over everything but whatever, this takes time eh? Why the hell am I thinking that much? I'm feeling more confident, more feminine, sexier, hotter. I'm starting to feel like a whole woman and I want to be powerful, in control, strong. I'm a fighter. My friend is right, I'm stronger than I think.

Thanks friend for helping me this week.

I hate you

It's Father's day and I hate you.
I hate you when I look at myself,
I hate you that years later I'm still terrified
I hate you that I sometimes hate me.

I thought I didn't hated you anymore
Big fucking lie
I hate your guts.

I hate that you are alive,
I hate that I won't confront you because I don't want to lose my siblings again.
I hate that you are alive.
I can't forgive you because I can't forgive myself.

I'm sick of this, I sometimes wish to be dead
free and not in pain.
I hate that I appear so strong to the outside word.
I want out and it's just not possible.

I want out, this needs to stop. I'm soo sick of hurting.

Fuck you on Father's day, fuck you sick asshole. Fuck you for not begging for forgiveness, fuck you for never saying you are sorry. Fuck you for being rich and alive.

Fuck you.

An update on me

I've been away, I have no excuse other than being busy and not wanting needing to deal with anything. I have good days and bad days and I'm always praying that the bad days go away very fast. The only real issue I've been having are the fucking nightmares, they're back, almost every night and it creeps me out. I've been dreading going to sleep and I've been taking 1 mmg of xanax to knock me out so I can forget about the nightmares.



But for the rest life's been treating me well, the only problem is the way I "feel" stuff.

On the edge

I'm on the edge. I feel I'm always close to exploding, I have to swallow my emotions all the time. It's like there's a bomb inside of me that's just waiting to explode and damage my world. I have not hurt myself but I'm dreaming of it, obsessing about it. I fucking wish I had the guts to act out and at the same time I'm feeling proud because I have not cut. I know if I relapse it's just going to bring me down but at the same time, I wish I could just do it and get it over with.

I feel dirty, I don't sleep well and have been taking benadryl to help me sleep. I wish I could talk about it but I prefer not to bother anyone with it when I'm able to deal with myself.

The aftermath of incest is that your life is not normal. You feel damaged good, you feel unworthy, you feel terrible. People can't see it, we look normal, even tho we feel dead inside, we still look normal. I feel like I'm not real because I'm hiding my pain.

I hate myself these days.

Struggling but not that much

It hasn't been that bad of a week. Since my friend and I spoke last Wed. I had couple of phone calls with the fucking pervert, but they haven't broke me up as much as last week.

I'm getting to the point that it's true what my friend says about telling my perp how he's made me feel and how damaging his abuse has been. One only has one father you know. My friend is right, telling him, confronting and setting limits and boundaries is the way to go. In a week I've been able to go from "I'll never be able to do that ever" to "maybe he's right, it's the way to heal".

I disclose the abuse 9 years ago but I never sat with him and told him off. I'm terrified but I know I am strong enough to eventually do it.

I struggle with vulnerability, it's hard for me to open up and show my heart to someone else. I mean to open up enough to be hurt. I do it with my friend (my rock) but he's different. He's the daddy I never had, he's what fathers are all about. My father was a jerk, an abusive and sick jerk.

I have stuff to do. I'll update later...

An update on me

well, I'm feeling better. My friend and I went to my perp's house this morning. But it gave us a chance to talk, we had a heart to heart. I'm feeling better, I'm feeling heard, I know someone cares and I know it's ok to feel like a mess on occasions. I'm not worthless, I'm still a strong person. I'm just having a hard time because of the abuse but it doesn't mean I'm just that. I told him everything...

My friend was amazing, comforting, not judging, sweet and caring, he really reassured me and that has put my mind at ease.

I just wanted to update in case anyone reads me.

Well, I'm "OK"

I mean I survived the night and the day without seriously damaging my one self. I punched my arms a few times last night, dang the pain numbed my emotional pain right away. Then I remembered the vicious circle,(hurting myself, feeling numb, hurting myself again) then I cried and decided not to do it again. (at least try not to do it again)

I'm in pain, I need to tell someone who *knows* me in real life how hard it is for me. Tomorrow for some church related business, a friend and I are going to pick a computer up at my perp's house. I wanna shoot myself, he says I'm beautiful, he says I'm daddy's girl, I wanna die. I don't want it to start again. I'm terrified.

What the hell happened to me? Where's the strong me? I feel soo bad.

I'm a fucking loser

I am, I'm such a fucking piece of weak loser.

I've been gong insane, I have fucking dreams of my perp, I am terrified it's going to happen again. I want to cut myself, the only reason I haven't is because I'm too chickenshit. If I was able to find a place to cut that NO ONE would see, I would cut myself for the relief, for the peace it use to bring me.

The fucking sad thing is that I haven't cut myself in OVER 4 years and I'm dying to do it.

I have let go of my anger toward him and decided NOT to seek revenge and I feel vulnerable. I feel in danger again. I was convinced he could never harm me again and now I'm convinced he could.

I'm not able to tell anyone in real life. I gave the psych I saw for 4 years a call 2 weeks ago and last week and even emailed her but she hasn't replied at all.

I'm broken inside, I feel I've sold my soul... What happened to the strong me? What the fuck happened? How could I go back to feeling terrified of him like that?

I'm hurting soo much, this is ridiculous. I want to cut myself but I know that if I start, I'm never going to stop. I know this is going to mean going back in time....

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF for feeling this broken.

What the fuck? I am playing the pretend game, I am seeing this fucking asshole and acting like nothing. It sickens me that he says I am beautiful. When he's on the phone and says I love you I just say "bye" and hang up the phone.I feel dirty, I feel ugly.

I am hurting....

Oh my god.... It never ends, I'll always be that broken.

I'm making a decision

It 's not good for me to be in touch with the asshole who abused me. In the last 2 weeks, I saw him twice, not alone but anyway. It's been damaging me inside.

I'm depressed, I'm insecure, I always want to puke, I've got heartburn's. I'm OK at work but it takes me so much to focus. Seeing him has drained me. I want someone to hold me tight, I want someone to gently rub my back, caress my hair and tell me everything's gonna be alright.

I want to kill that sick fuck, punch him. I don't want to pretend anymore, I am not good at playing games. I don't want to see him again, I thought I was going to be able but I can't. I'm sorry to be soo weak but I can't see that assholes, kiss him on the cheeks, act like nothing happened when everyone knows!!!He dares to call me sweetie.

what the fuck??? What the fucking hell!

How it feels!

Years later, when someone touches me, it shakes me inside. Very few people can touch me without making me feel like I'm 5 years old being raped in a bed, I'm lucky that I can be touched (non-sexually) by few people I trust 100% but for the rest of the world, keep your hands off me! I feel I'll never be like someone who hasn't been abused, I feel there's something that remains broken inside of me. That's the aftermath of incest!

I want to have sex but I've been abstaining for close to 4 years. I want to but I'm too scared of making love, I really want to but I'm terrified. I'd love to heal that part of my life. It shall come one day, I know.

I sometimes feel I need to get my ass back in therapy. But what more can a therapist say? I have a great job, I have great friends, I love myself, I enjoy life, I just wish these feelings would go away. 99% of the time I'm happy but the 1% of sad feelings is getting old.

I need a hug, I want a hug, I just can't bring myself to ask anyone. Plenty of people around me would hold me, I *know* that...

In case someone reads me

I'm not going to link tons of resources, discuss incest from a psych point of view. It's just me. How to fucking live a happy life when you were sexually abused. You know how to deal with men, sex, body issues, whatever.

I *think* I'd like a partner but deep down inside, I know I won't ever get married or have kids. The abuse left deep wound, I just can't see myself havin' sex with most men, I'm terrified...

The last guy I dated, well we didn't had sex but when we came close to and were heavily making out, I was crying (he was too centered on his pleasure) but I wasn't doing well. Incest really messes up a girl. I hate my abuser for what he did and when I see him, part of me wants to just beat the crap out of him and the other part of me is proud to be who I am. Great life, great career but emotionally? The scars are profound, people can't tell tho.

I went in therapy and it saved me, I am a new person, but somethings can't be erased and that's a fucking tragedy.

Trying for a first entry

I created this blog because I need a safe place to vent and I need an anonymous one. I want to lick my wound by myself, I need to be able to *say* out loud how I feel without fears or whatever else we, survivors can sometimes feel.

I've got a happy life, overall my life is satisfying, but the fucking aftermath of incest sometimes drives me batty, I *need* to let out the pain, fears and the worries, I need to let them out without looking weak or something.

It's going to help, it has to. In 2008, I'll express more my emotions regarding my past. I'm not a kid anymore, I'm passed my early twenties but it stays there, incest doesn't just go away when it's stopped or after therapy....

Thanks for stopping by.