I've been gong insane, I have fucking dreams of my perp, I am terrified it's going to happen again. I want to cut myself, the only reason I haven't is because I'm too chickenshit. If I was able to find a place to cut that NO ONE would see, I would cut myself for the relief, for the peace it use to bring me.
The fucking sad thing is that I haven't cut myself in OVER 4 years and I'm dying to do it.
I have let go of my anger toward him and decided NOT to seek revenge and I feel vulnerable. I feel in danger again. I was convinced he could never harm me again and now I'm convinced he could.
I'm not able to tell anyone in real life. I gave the psych I saw for 4 years a call 2 weeks ago and last week and even emailed her but she hasn't replied at all.
I'm broken inside, I feel I've sold my soul...
What happened to the strong me? What the fuck happened? How could I go back to feeling terrified of him like that?I'm hurting soo much, this is ridiculous. I want to cut myself but I know that if I start, I'm never going to stop. I know this is going to mean going back in time....
I FUCKING HATE MYSELF for feeling this broken.
What the fuck? I am playing the pretend game, I am seeing this fucking asshole and acting like nothing. It sickens me that he says I am beautiful. When he's on the phone and says I love you I just say "bye" and hang up the phone.I feel dirty, I feel ugly.
I am hurting....
Oh my god.... It never ends, I'll always be that broken.
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