I need to remember

That the pain I'm feeling will go away, that it's not the end of the world and I'm going to get back on my feet. I need to remember that I'm strong and courageous because at the moment, I only remember how fucking hurt I'm feeling.

I'm strong, I'm courageous and it's OK for me to express my sadness and my pain, it doesn't make me a weak person. Maybe if I say it enough, I'll believe it?

God, please take me out of this hole, I need to get back on my feet and stop feeling the pain and despairs of these far away memories. Just please give me the strenght to remember that this too shall pass.

:(

meh

If I'm posting here again it's because I saw "him" and when I see him too much or too often I get into this state of feeling "meh" and I've been having memories and they suck. I've been taking anxiety meds but I wish I could just be numb so I wouldn't feel this pain. It hurts so fucking much.

Whatever, this is all my fault anyway, if I wasn't attending functions where he is, I wouldn't feel like this, I just want to curl up in a ball and forget about everything. I hate the fucking memories of this fucking asshole. Oh my gosh, I hate them. He's just so happy to have his daughter back, he's all about acting like nothing ever happened. FUCKING LOSER!

I'm sick to my stomach, I want to cry but can't, I don't want to go through this forever. This fucking sucks.

Sorry for this pity party, I needed to let it out. :(

Am I strong or am I not?

After spending some time with a new friend and talking about the past I've been wondering if I'm as strong as she sees me or if I'm just not. Is it possible that I feel weaker than I actually am? Am I strong for surviving and being happy and wanting to live a happy life? Am I still strong if It terrifies me to have sex? Am I still strong if sometimes I have flashbacks? If I feel terrible when I see my father? I've been feeling stronger than I thought I was. My friend's been showing me indirectly that I have grown soo much.

I wish I was over everything but whatever, this takes time eh? Why the hell am I thinking that much? I'm feeling more confident, more feminine, sexier, hotter. I'm starting to feel like a whole woman and I want to be powerful, in control, strong. I'm a fighter. My friend is right, I'm stronger than I think.

Thanks friend for helping me this week.

I hate you

It's Father's day and I hate you.
I hate you when I look at myself,
I hate you that years later I'm still terrified
I hate you that I sometimes hate me.

I thought I didn't hated you anymore
Big fucking lie
I hate your guts.

I hate that you are alive,
I hate that I won't confront you because I don't want to lose my siblings again.
I hate that you are alive.
I can't forgive you because I can't forgive myself.

I'm sick of this, I sometimes wish to be dead
free and not in pain.
I hate that I appear so strong to the outside word.
I want out and it's just not possible.

I want out, this needs to stop. I'm soo sick of hurting.

Fuck you on Father's day, fuck you sick asshole. Fuck you for not begging for forgiveness, fuck you for never saying you are sorry. Fuck you for being rich and alive.

Fuck you.

An update on me

I've been away, I have no excuse other than being busy and not wanting needing to deal with anything. I have good days and bad days and I'm always praying that the bad days go away very fast. The only real issue I've been having are the fucking nightmares, they're back, almost every night and it creeps me out. I've been dreading going to sleep and I've been taking 1 mmg of xanax to knock me out so I can forget about the nightmares.



But for the rest life's been treating me well, the only problem is the way I "feel" stuff.

On the edge

I'm on the edge. I feel I'm always close to exploding, I have to swallow my emotions all the time. It's like there's a bomb inside of me that's just waiting to explode and damage my world. I have not hurt myself but I'm dreaming of it, obsessing about it. I fucking wish I had the guts to act out and at the same time I'm feeling proud because I have not cut. I know if I relapse it's just going to bring me down but at the same time, I wish I could just do it and get it over with.

I feel dirty, I don't sleep well and have been taking benadryl to help me sleep. I wish I could talk about it but I prefer not to bother anyone with it when I'm able to deal with myself.

The aftermath of incest is that your life is not normal. You feel damaged good, you feel unworthy, you feel terrible. People can't see it, we look normal, even tho we feel dead inside, we still look normal. I feel like I'm not real because I'm hiding my pain.

I hate myself these days.

Struggling but not that much

It hasn't been that bad of a week. Since my friend and I spoke last Wed. I had couple of phone calls with the fucking pervert, but they haven't broke me up as much as last week.

I'm getting to the point that it's true what my friend says about telling my perp how he's made me feel and how damaging his abuse has been. One only has one father you know. My friend is right, telling him, confronting and setting limits and boundaries is the way to go. In a week I've been able to go from "I'll never be able to do that ever" to "maybe he's right, it's the way to heal".

I disclose the abuse 9 years ago but I never sat with him and told him off. I'm terrified but I know I am strong enough to eventually do it.

I struggle with vulnerability, it's hard for me to open up and show my heart to someone else. I mean to open up enough to be hurt. I do it with my friend (my rock) but he's different. He's the daddy I never had, he's what fathers are all about. My father was a jerk, an abusive and sick jerk.

I have stuff to do. I'll update later...

An update on me

well, I'm feeling better. My friend and I went to my perp's house this morning. But it gave us a chance to talk, we had a heart to heart. I'm feeling better, I'm feeling heard, I know someone cares and I know it's ok to feel like a mess on occasions. I'm not worthless, I'm still a strong person. I'm just having a hard time because of the abuse but it doesn't mean I'm just that. I told him everything...

My friend was amazing, comforting, not judging, sweet and caring, he really reassured me and that has put my mind at ease.

I just wanted to update in case anyone reads me.