On the edge

I'm on the edge. I feel I'm always close to exploding, I have to swallow my emotions all the time. It's like there's a bomb inside of me that's just waiting to explode and damage my world. I have not hurt myself but I'm dreaming of it, obsessing about it. I fucking wish I had the guts to act out and at the same time I'm feeling proud because I have not cut. I know if I relapse it's just going to bring me down but at the same time, I wish I could just do it and get it over with.

I feel dirty, I don't sleep well and have been taking benadryl to help me sleep. I wish I could talk about it but I prefer not to bother anyone with it when I'm able to deal with myself.

The aftermath of incest is that your life is not normal. You feel damaged good, you feel unworthy, you feel terrible. People can't see it, we look normal, even tho we feel dead inside, we still look normal. I feel like I'm not real because I'm hiding my pain.

I hate myself these days.

Struggling but not that much

It hasn't been that bad of a week. Since my friend and I spoke last Wed. I had couple of phone calls with the fucking pervert, but they haven't broke me up as much as last week.

I'm getting to the point that it's true what my friend says about telling my perp how he's made me feel and how damaging his abuse has been. One only has one father you know. My friend is right, telling him, confronting and setting limits and boundaries is the way to go. In a week I've been able to go from "I'll never be able to do that ever" to "maybe he's right, it's the way to heal".

I disclose the abuse 9 years ago but I never sat with him and told him off. I'm terrified but I know I am strong enough to eventually do it.

I struggle with vulnerability, it's hard for me to open up and show my heart to someone else. I mean to open up enough to be hurt. I do it with my friend (my rock) but he's different. He's the daddy I never had, he's what fathers are all about. My father was a jerk, an abusive and sick jerk.

I have stuff to do. I'll update later...

An update on me

well, I'm feeling better. My friend and I went to my perp's house this morning. But it gave us a chance to talk, we had a heart to heart. I'm feeling better, I'm feeling heard, I know someone cares and I know it's ok to feel like a mess on occasions. I'm not worthless, I'm still a strong person. I'm just having a hard time because of the abuse but it doesn't mean I'm just that. I told him everything...

My friend was amazing, comforting, not judging, sweet and caring, he really reassured me and that has put my mind at ease.

I just wanted to update in case anyone reads me.

Well, I'm "OK"

I mean I survived the night and the day without seriously damaging my one self. I punched my arms a few times last night, dang the pain numbed my emotional pain right away. Then I remembered the vicious circle,(hurting myself, feeling numb, hurting myself again) then I cried and decided not to do it again. (at least try not to do it again)

I'm in pain, I need to tell someone who *knows* me in real life how hard it is for me. Tomorrow for some church related business, a friend and I are going to pick a computer up at my perp's house. I wanna shoot myself, he says I'm beautiful, he says I'm daddy's girl, I wanna die. I don't want it to start again. I'm terrified.

What the hell happened to me? Where's the strong me? I feel soo bad.

I'm a fucking loser

I am, I'm such a fucking piece of weak loser.

I've been gong insane, I have fucking dreams of my perp, I am terrified it's going to happen again. I want to cut myself, the only reason I haven't is because I'm too chickenshit. If I was able to find a place to cut that NO ONE would see, I would cut myself for the relief, for the peace it use to bring me.

The fucking sad thing is that I haven't cut myself in OVER 4 years and I'm dying to do it.

I have let go of my anger toward him and decided NOT to seek revenge and I feel vulnerable. I feel in danger again. I was convinced he could never harm me again and now I'm convinced he could.

I'm not able to tell anyone in real life. I gave the psych I saw for 4 years a call 2 weeks ago and last week and even emailed her but she hasn't replied at all.

I'm broken inside, I feel I've sold my soul... What happened to the strong me? What the fuck happened? How could I go back to feeling terrified of him like that?

I'm hurting soo much, this is ridiculous. I want to cut myself but I know that if I start, I'm never going to stop. I know this is going to mean going back in time....

I FUCKING HATE MYSELF for feeling this broken.

What the fuck? I am playing the pretend game, I am seeing this fucking asshole and acting like nothing. It sickens me that he says I am beautiful. When he's on the phone and says I love you I just say "bye" and hang up the phone.I feel dirty, I feel ugly.

I am hurting....

Oh my god.... It never ends, I'll always be that broken.