I'm making a decision

It 's not good for me to be in touch with the asshole who abused me. In the last 2 weeks, I saw him twice, not alone but anyway. It's been damaging me inside.

I'm depressed, I'm insecure, I always want to puke, I've got heartburn's. I'm OK at work but it takes me so much to focus. Seeing him has drained me. I want someone to hold me tight, I want someone to gently rub my back, caress my hair and tell me everything's gonna be alright.

I want to kill that sick fuck, punch him. I don't want to pretend anymore, I am not good at playing games. I don't want to see him again, I thought I was going to be able but I can't. I'm sorry to be soo weak but I can't see that assholes, kiss him on the cheeks, act like nothing happened when everyone knows!!!He dares to call me sweetie.

what the fuck??? What the fucking hell!

How it feels!

Years later, when someone touches me, it shakes me inside. Very few people can touch me without making me feel like I'm 5 years old being raped in a bed, I'm lucky that I can be touched (non-sexually) by few people I trust 100% but for the rest of the world, keep your hands off me! I feel I'll never be like someone who hasn't been abused, I feel there's something that remains broken inside of me. That's the aftermath of incest!

I want to have sex but I've been abstaining for close to 4 years. I want to but I'm too scared of making love, I really want to but I'm terrified. I'd love to heal that part of my life. It shall come one day, I know.

I sometimes feel I need to get my ass back in therapy. But what more can a therapist say? I have a great job, I have great friends, I love myself, I enjoy life, I just wish these feelings would go away. 99% of the time I'm happy but the 1% of sad feelings is getting old.

I need a hug, I want a hug, I just can't bring myself to ask anyone. Plenty of people around me would hold me, I *know* that...

In case someone reads me

I'm not going to link tons of resources, discuss incest from a psych point of view. It's just me. How to fucking live a happy life when you were sexually abused. You know how to deal with men, sex, body issues, whatever.

I *think* I'd like a partner but deep down inside, I know I won't ever get married or have kids. The abuse left deep wound, I just can't see myself havin' sex with most men, I'm terrified...

The last guy I dated, well we didn't had sex but when we came close to and were heavily making out, I was crying (he was too centered on his pleasure) but I wasn't doing well. Incest really messes up a girl. I hate my abuser for what he did and when I see him, part of me wants to just beat the crap out of him and the other part of me is proud to be who I am. Great life, great career but emotionally? The scars are profound, people can't tell tho.

I went in therapy and it saved me, I am a new person, but somethings can't be erased and that's a fucking tragedy.

Trying for a first entry

I created this blog because I need a safe place to vent and I need an anonymous one. I want to lick my wound by myself, I need to be able to *say* out loud how I feel without fears or whatever else we, survivors can sometimes feel.

I've got a happy life, overall my life is satisfying, but the fucking aftermath of incest sometimes drives me batty, I *need* to let out the pain, fears and the worries, I need to let them out without looking weak or something.

It's going to help, it has to. In 2008, I'll express more my emotions regarding my past. I'm not a kid anymore, I'm passed my early twenties but it stays there, incest doesn't just go away when it's stopped or after therapy....

Thanks for stopping by.