Am I strong or am I not?

After spending some time with a new friend and talking about the past I've been wondering if I'm as strong as she sees me or if I'm just not. Is it possible that I feel weaker than I actually am? Am I strong for surviving and being happy and wanting to live a happy life? Am I still strong if It terrifies me to have sex? Am I still strong if sometimes I have flashbacks? If I feel terrible when I see my father? I've been feeling stronger than I thought I was. My friend's been showing me indirectly that I have grown soo much.

I wish I was over everything but whatever, this takes time eh? Why the hell am I thinking that much? I'm feeling more confident, more feminine, sexier, hotter. I'm starting to feel like a whole woman and I want to be powerful, in control, strong. I'm a fighter. My friend is right, I'm stronger than I think.

Thanks friend for helping me this week.

I hate you

It's Father's day and I hate you.
I hate you when I look at myself,
I hate you that years later I'm still terrified
I hate you that I sometimes hate me.

I thought I didn't hated you anymore
Big fucking lie
I hate your guts.

I hate that you are alive,
I hate that I won't confront you because I don't want to lose my siblings again.
I hate that you are alive.
I can't forgive you because I can't forgive myself.

I'm sick of this, I sometimes wish to be dead
free and not in pain.
I hate that I appear so strong to the outside word.
I want out and it's just not possible.

I want out, this needs to stop. I'm soo sick of hurting.

Fuck you on Father's day, fuck you sick asshole. Fuck you for not begging for forgiveness, fuck you for never saying you are sorry. Fuck you for being rich and alive.

Fuck you.

An update on me

I've been away, I have no excuse other than being busy and not wanting needing to deal with anything. I have good days and bad days and I'm always praying that the bad days go away very fast. The only real issue I've been having are the fucking nightmares, they're back, almost every night and it creeps me out. I've been dreading going to sleep and I've been taking 1 mmg of xanax to knock me out so I can forget about the nightmares.



But for the rest life's been treating me well, the only problem is the way I "feel" stuff.